Leaving Home: Finding God

Even though it took almost an hour to drive to church, and despite its leaky roof and faulty plumbing, Immaculate Conception Parish was the closest thing to heaven I had ever seen.  I loved going there for Mass, for friendship with godly people, for Spiritual Direction and Confession, and sometimes just to be alone with God. I loved to clean the rectory because it was peaceful and quiet. With the priests busy with appointments and meetings and Altar Boy training, I had uninterrupted silence two Saturdays a month: my own silent mini-retreat. Now that we have moved it is over 3 hours away, but I have felt a strong urge many times in the last month to just drive there to kneel and cry.

Why so sad at leaving a church: Aren’t there other good Catholic churches where we have moved? Isn’t there a Latin Mass closer now? Isn’t God in Loveland? Yes, yes, and yes. But Immaculate Conception is more than a good Catholic Church. More than the Latin Mass. It is home. I found God there so palpable. I could see Him and touch Him, and enter into His Most Sacred Heart. There I saw His Blessed Mother honored. Immaculate Conception is not only the name on the collection envelopes: it is the soul of the parish.

For me change is very difficult. I want permanence: to be sure that the sun will rise and set, and that everything will be where I saw it yesterday. Living in the semi-chaos of changing houses and towns is hard, especially since we cannot unpack everything yet. I cannot find a certain pot or the dishwasher detergent. The plan was to move into the main floor and finish the basement within a week, and then unpack everything and put it into its new place.

At least that was MY plan.

God has a way of showing me again and again that I am not in charge. My plans are not the ones that matter. This life is not permanent and I must not get too comfortable here. I am reminded that I am a child and that unless I become as a little child I cannot enter His kingdom. I must become docile to His will. I must not cry when God plays peek-a-boo with me.

Yes, I am a child, and a very beloved one. God takes care of me wherever I am, and loves me beyond anything I can imagine. I suffer when it appears that God has left me. I cry when I think I am alone. He is only hiding his Face for a little while and it is my task to find Him. I am sure I will find godly people in my new home. In time I may love the Latin Mass community here. Everyone is very friendly and the priest very devout and holy. I will find that God is here even in Loveland.

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5 thoughts on “Leaving Home: Finding God

  1. You have been so much on my heart, mind, and prayers. I so understand Paula, and have missed your holy face. So much change after so many years is hard, I know, but God is so wonderful.

  2. ” I am sure I will find godly people in my new home. ”

    Maybe it’s in judging who you perceive to be not godly enough that you have not yet found your godly new friends….
    Or maybe you have been judged – maybe you are not perceived as godly enough for them! (imagine how that would feel)

  3. You are right, Cynthia. I know I am not godly enough. I was only talking about how hard it is to move to a new place, though. I was not judging the people I had not yet met. I did say, “I AM SURE I will meet godly people….” Another fault of mine is that it takes me a very long time to make friends with new people. I know that with time I will see how holy the people around me are, and how they can teach me to love God as I ought to. Thank you for the lesson in humility.

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